Sunday, 12 June 2011

So You Think You Can Get Cancelled?

Final Results: 11th June 2011

You know, or not. But probably.

Previously : The whole series.

One last time everybody.


Speaking of the whole series, we're being joined by our whole Top 20 for one last group routine. Choreographed by Mandy Moore, naturally. I think Mandy Moore has choreographed pretty much everything these last two weeks hasn't she? (Her and people on Strictly who will shortly be having their new contracts for the new series of that decided on.) Mandy Moore is now choreographing everything. Mandy Moore is choreographing this blog. (Chris sautes, not like the potato) Mandy Moore is choreographing your mum. Mandy Moore is choreographing choreography itself.

Anyway, it's a Mandy Moore group routine, and we've run through a yacht, the Riviera, a society wedding and now, a day at the races. Hang on, Mandy Moore appears to be choreographing the Tory Party (POLITICAL SATIREZ ON YOUR DANCE SHOW RECAPS!). Anyway the Top Twenty are all here, in outlandish neon high-fashion outfits. Cheekbones Ryan, Tumbledown Paige (who somehow remains upright throughout her portion, unlike Arlene), Italian Gian Luca (with really unfortunate hair), Evil Professional Stephanie, Cabbage Alice, Charlie Wheee!, Fierce Rithy, Fierce Shane, Katrina Ballerina, Tapper Tom, Danielle Of The Lack Of Nickname Potential, Lee-Boy, Scally, Israel's Mum's Son, Bethany-Rose Lee, and of course, front and centre, they know what the people paid to see, AndrogyLee. They all dance around to Party Rock Anthem, I object to the last live dancing we see all series being to flipping Party Rock Anthem, then the Top Four appear in really ugly ill-fitting silver suits, so it looks a bit like a shitty M & S advert just broke out.

Luke vamps, Katie Love looks disinterested, Matt pooches his face up and dances with his hand on his tummy like a dad at a wedding, Kirsty gives it more energy than I think the routine (or indeed any routine) warrants, I notice that the fashion girls hats that floated off their heads at the beginning on wires are dangling still in mid-air like grisly trophies, the lights come up, the end.

Right, now, time for half an hour of VTs.

Cat comes back in and fakes interest in these people for the last time. She tells us all it was great to see our Top Twenty again, and also that she didn't know if we noticed, but Scally managed to spin her weave off in the middle of the dance. I try not to pay attention to Scally to be honest. [I noticed, but it was hardly in the same league as Erin Boag's Dance-Off Of Hair Despair, so I couldn't muster much interest. - Steve] We're also requested to thank Mandy Moore, without whom the entire second half of this series literally WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED. Mandy waves like the jolly Postman Pat character she is.

The judges are then re-introduced, with Nigel waving a miniature Union Jack, having officially reached his last refuge, the scoundrel. Cat asks him if he thinks it's going to be a close call tonight. He lies that he does. He's then asked what the public should be looking for, and he shrugs that the lines have now closed, so nothing. They've got the votes, so he doesn't have to direct traffic any more. Although if you can try to squeeze another vote in for the three people up there who aren't Kirsty, he'd appreciate it. You never know, the voting tech might be broken. Lord knows everything else about this show is.

VT NOW! Let's find out what happened earlier. Well first of all Matt grabbed a camera backstage and blow-job faced "IT'S THE FINAL!" down it. Katie got her hair done to look more like Hordress The Confuser than ever before, and talked about how nervous she was. Then everyone had a big hug. Some producers are shown, just to reassure us that there are some. There is some intelligence guiding this show. Swurr.

Firstly there was that group routine I've already forgotten. Mandy Moore choreographed though I'll bet. Then Mandy Moore choreographed a jazz routine for Matt & Katie to The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, and it was a bit Bleh Bleh Bleh because Matt, for all they call him a chameleon, cannot give edge or attitude to save his life. We're then treated to a most unflattering show of Fat Deaf Old Kirsty Squatting down on the floor backstage like she's about to do a dump on the floor. I think she might be in Arlene's dressing room. Then Mandy Moore, using her Spanish name of Javier De Fruots, choreographed another Contemporary routine where people dressed in white and rolled around the floor to the sounds of a woman being overwrought (in this case, Sinead O Connor).

Then everyone ran around screaming before doing their solos, all choreographed by Mandy Moore, except Kirsty's which was, as usual, choreographed by Sparkle Motion director Kitty Farmer. [Nobody doubts Kirsty's commitment to Sparkle Motion. - Steve] Then both Katie/Luke and Matt/Kirsty did some indifferent ballroom, with Katie Love dressed as Kara Tointon (nice that Artem still has the dress). Finally Mandy Moore wore Bill Deamer as a skin-suit and choreographed two Broadway routines - one with Matt and Luke involving tap, and one for Kirsty and Katie which involved hoisting them up on on a giant hydraulic lift. Briefly my dream of Kirsty suffering a semi-serious injury, suing this show into the ground and living like a QUEEN was reignited. And then it died. All the judges say that everyone was amazing. Woo-hoo! Only seventy more VTs to go!

Oh, quick, another one! This time a recap of the whole series. Marc Almond the mime, that guy with the towels, Tom The Tapper being complimented (this is the auditions, natch), jazz vampires, group dance vampires, lots of vampires, hip-hop to the Archers, lots of rolling around in white shirts, Battle Of The Tappers, that routine to Crazy we don't talk about, H & Claire 2.0 (WITH LASERS!), Kate Prince occasionally being almost bearable, Kirsty and AndrogyLee making Adele almost bearable, Arlene smearing herself up and down Charlie Whee, Shane & Rithy (*sigh*), Katrina Ballerina doing one endearingly sloppy hip-hop routine and coasting on it forever and ever and ever and ever amen, seventy two routines we'd already seen on the US version, authentic Nicole Kidman Bollywood, Lee C getting slagged six ways from Sunday every week, Israel's Mum, all the many feelings of ANGRY LUKE, hip-hop boot camp, hip hop skateboards, hip-hop Charlie Chaplin, Scally acting like a moron every week and everyone clapping along happily, Sisco having to be yanked into about five standing ovations, Tom having the personality of a pumpkin, Paige falling on her arse and spending the rest of the routine actively trying to make GianLuca do the same, Sisco throwing off his Loboutins, us getting to see Kate Prince's diary, that week they all threw spitwads at Katrina and called her a virgin because she couldn't salsa, AndrogyLee going to war, the dawning of the Age Of Hilarious, ANGRY LUKE in detention, Kirsty being Matt's Librarian Girl, Total Eclipse Of The Heart, homoerotic paso dobles, homoerotic gangsters, homoerotic homoeroticism, goes on.

You know who never features? Not even for a second? BARROWMAN. Quite right too.

Back to the judges now, and they're all asked for their highlights of the series. Louise says the boys paso from last week (involved Matt Flint), and Matt & Charlotte's jazz routine (involved Matt Flint). Arlene says the boys group jazz gangsters routine from the quarter finals (involved Matt Flint), and the Total Eclipse Of The Heart contemporary (involved Matt Flint). Sisco says the contestants growth, because he can remember most of the routines from this series about as well as I can. Nigel finishes by saying the boys group jazz gangster routine as well (involved Matt Flint), and also singles out that one time they gave Bethany-Rose Lee choreography that wasn't ball-achingly dreadful with the Spider-Woman routine, and it turned out she was a really good dancer, and probably the best woman on the show who wasn't hampered by being a specialist in hip-hop and being a foreign. Who knew? He then whitters on about growth as well, closing by saying that the TRUE WINNER HAS BEEN DAHNCE!

Sod off Nigel.

Here come the results! The finalists troop out, and eliminated first (although they never specifiy what position any of these people actually finish in. I mean, I can believe she did finish fourth, but they're awfully circumspect with their wording) is...Kirsty. [I call bullshit. I don't think she did finish fourth at all. I found it quite annoying, actually - why bother to claim that the public have all the power if you're going to mealymouth the actual finishing positions of everybody who wasn't Matt and therefore guaranteed to win? - Steve] She does a neat little curtsey, and Nigel does god-awful fake "I AM SHOCKED!" face. Oh Nigel, give it up. We get a VT (*drink*) of her Best Bits, which fails to live up to its name immediately when it features her in the glittery used space condom. That was NOBODY'S best bit. Back in the studio she melodramas and breaks down crying about how everyone at home has helped her achieve her dream and she hopes she can inspire other people to fulfil their dreams as well. Oh Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Face-Planting Darlene-Loving Compo-Queen Raggy-Doll Kirsty. You ham.

Finishing in being the second person to leave us tonight place is...Katie Love. Thankfully Nigel does not mime shock at this turn of events. At this point Matt and Luke are dispatched, pinching their noses like Frank Butcher the whole way. Katie's Best Bits follow, and they don't airbrush out Lee-Boy Stalin-style like I was expecting. Back in the studio she thanks everyone, including Cat, which is nice, because Cat is pretty much the one constant of good in this whole show, and I'm glad more people are recognising this than they did last year. Katie Love just about holds it together until she gets off stage. Top Girl eh? Whoever said that hoovering up to Arlene never paid off?

What now then? PERFORMING VIA VT, IT'S J-LO! Whoever that is. It sounds like it might be Jennifer Lopez, but like she's appearing on this show. Whoever it is, they're clearly one Pokemon evolution behind K-Lo, and therefore shouldn't be performing after her elimination. Get L-Lo out here instead. Maybe she can crash a car into the judges table and snort cocaine off Louise's face and get Samantha Ronson to do a club remix of the theme tune or something. It'd be more exciting than J-Lo here, descending to the floor in a giant heart made out of question marks (kind of a metaphor for this entire show really), the bouncing around in a bukkake splattered catsuit that makes her look like a particularly sprightly 50 year old in a spinning class, doing her single from three months ago. Sadly Ryan Cheekbones and Evil Professional Stephanie don't join her with their SEXY LASERS. Boo. Could have boosted the star power a little. [Also, the quintessential J-Lo SYTYCD performance always has been and always will be this. - Steve]

Another VT now : Matt and Luke both have feelings about winning. Luke moreso obviously.

Out to the stage again, all our VTs done with, one can only hope. To announce the winner. Who is...


I'm so glad that this series is over, and now the most predictable thing in my life is once again the sun rising in the morning. Pyros go off, Kirsty runs onto the stage SCREAMING like a fire-engine, and Katie Love saunters gingerly after her. Then everyone else charges on, and envelops Matt in a giant group hug. Cat acts like we're about to see Matt's Best Bits, but then the VT doesn't cue up. I think maybe because Angry Luke has already run backstage and is smashing everything up with a golf club and screaming "WHYYYYYYYY? WHY AM I ALWAYS SECOND FUCKING BEST? WHYYYYYYYYY?". Let's just say there's a reason there was no second place interview this year.

Cat fills frantically, asking him how he feels. He says that he feels great that he had this stage to show off his passion, and that everyone supported him and voted for him. Nigel is then asked if he thinks Matt is a worthy winner, as the backstage crew attempt to hold Angry Luke down and tie him up with electrical cord. Nigel says yes, of course, and he'll be so glad to take Matt to Hollywood where he'll fit right in. Angry Luke detaches a sink from the dressing room walls and bashes an Executive Producer over the head with it as water gushes everywhere.

(Sidebar : Series 1 champion Charlie Bruce is launching a girlband soon. This is a well known route to continuing success for ex-reality tv contestants. I hear that Chanelle, Joanna The Cleaner From Leicester, and Imogen Thomas are the other four members)

Cat asks Matt if he wants to give a message to the people at home who voted for him. Angry Luke shoves Sisco into a corner, holds a comb-handle to his eyeball, and asks him if he's ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight. Matt brags a bit about never having been in the bottom two, but he's talking to people who voted for him, so not me, so I'm not really listening. Angry Luke downs a pint of Carling and deep-throat snogs Jamie Redknapp in a cupboard. The rest of the Top Twenty runs up to hug Matt. Angry Luke just stands there, in the car-park outside Television Centre crying, hugging himself. The Top Twenty hoist Matt up on their shoulders, their hero, and carry him off into the sunset. Angry Luke lifts an abandoned shopping-trolley over his head, throws it at the moon reflected in a lake, howls at the moon, and runs off into the night. Again.

This is the end.

So Many Feelings.

(Thank you for reading. Well done Matt - my 7th favourite of the finalists is still better than Charlie Bruce was. If this show is not cancelled, we may be back.)

Luke Jackson, Katie Love and Kirsty Swain in: "So You Think You Can Be The Runner-Up?"

Final Four: 11th June 2011

It's the final! You know what that means (VTs? - Chris) : we start with a montage that takes us back to last autumn, a time of innocence and dreams, back before it became apparent that this show just really doesn't have much of an audience in the UK, and that the only decent routines we were going to get would be lifted from the American version. I remember those times; I was so happy then. Sigh. Anyway, Cat tries gamely to remain enthusiastic as she reminds us that dancers from all over the country came to audition, but only the very best (and Paige) made the Top 20. The dancers fought to stay in the competition, but now, only four remain: Katie Love (*blows kiss*), Fat Deaf Old Kirsty (*vamping grin*), Angry Luke (*raises eyebrow*), and MattFlintMania (*obnoxious finger guns*). Cat tells us that the dancers' future is in our hands, as if anything we could do tonight is going to derail the inevitable MattFlintMania victory. Really, it's a fight for second place (and thanks to the stupid vague way they'll be announcing the results, we can't even be 100% sure who gets that, so THANKS NIGEL). There can only be one winner, and it's going to be Matt, but we're still going to take over 90 minutes to get there!


In a slight deviation from usual practice, there's no immediate link into an opening number or intro to the dancers this week; instead, Cat's straight out onto the stage, bearing wavy hair and a tight red dress not a million miles away from the catsuit Britney Spears wore in the 'Oops! I Did It Again' video. She tells us that we've seen over 100 routines over the series (bet you can't name five of them), as well as plenty of arguments from the panel and a few injuries, chiefly to Kirsty's forehead, but somehow they made it all the way to the final, and this year no one got maimed in final rehearsals! (Poor Robbie. I feel bad for him that the various "what last year's finalists are doing" features ignore him entirely - he did qualify for the final, after all, he just had that bad breakup with the doctor he was dating.) Tonight, our votes will decide whether Matt, Matt, Matt or Matt will be announced as Britain's Favourite Dancer 2011, but to kill some time before we get to that point, each contestant will perform three partner routines, a solo, and a group number. Also, in the live results show later, there's a performance from Jennifer Lopez, because she owed Nigel a few favours after he basically singlehandedly revived her career with the American Idol gig.

Because the finale is somehow not fillerific enough, the judges each get a special intro: Cat suggests that Sisco can pull off shoulderpads and a corset (he really can't, Cat); the ridiculously loud "backing" music drowns out the entirety of Louise's intro, so we'll never know what Cat said, but frankly I'm taking this as an inside gag about how no one's bothered to listen to Louise all series anyway. Arlene is "the original West End Girl", and Nigel is "the God of dance", and breaks out a few moves including some jazz hands upon his arrival, which leaves Cat giggling.

The next in a series of about 20,000 VTs tonight reminds us that the winner will win £50,000, the chance to dance in Hollywood (including genuine footage of Charlie Bruce on the final of So You Think You Can Dance season 7 to assure us that this is indeed a genuine prize), and of course, the title of Britain's Favourite Dancer. Because that's really the clincher that you leave to the end. Back in the studio, Cat assures us that this is totally a fantastic prize, and turns to the judges for some initial thoughts. Nigel compliments her on her dress, and Cat says that she "pawed"/"poured" herself into it (I can't really tell what she said, but frankly the dress is a feat of engineering so whatever way she got in there is bound to challenge the laws of physics in some way). Cat asks what's in store tonight after the wonders of vampires, geishas and birds of paradise that we've had this series, and Nigel says that everyone has to do their best tonight and stand out from the crowd in order to win votes. Cat adds that it's all about personality too, and Nigel screams "NO IT FUCKING ISN'T, CAT, IT'S ABOUT DAHNCE, AND IF ANYONE EVEN THINKS ABOUT VOTING FOR KIRSTY I'LL FUCKING KILL THEM." Oh hang on, that's actually at the end of the show. I'm getting ahead of myself.

Cat turns to Arlene and asks her how it feels to have lost control, because that is of course a state of affairs that Arlene is deeply familiar with. Oh, my mistake: to have lost control of the outcome of this show. Silly me. Arlene declares it "scary" and says that the viewers must use this power seriously, because with great power comes great responsibility, or something. Also, she says we should vote for who we love, because she at least understands the basic set-up of this show.

Time for a performance, at bloody last: the group number is a pop-jazz routine to Queen's 'Don't Stop Me Now'. It starts with Angry Luke and K-Lo being lowered from the ceiling on wires, with FDOFPFPNC Kirsty and MattFlintMania following suit. Kirsty is sporting a truly joyous shit-eating grin, while Matt has his arms out in a Messianic manner, not that we should perhaps read too much into this. It's not really the best example of the group numbers from this series: for one thing, Kirsty's out of time with the others at several points (in this sense it is probably the best example of a group routine from this series -Chris), and there's a bit of a freestyle section in the middle eight that would be a total mess if it weren't for Luke pulling his leg up right next to his head (I'm really going to miss that). There are good bits, though - a brief can-can section, some nice leaps and partner work, and LUKE PLAYING HIS LEG LIKE A GUITAR. On Strictly that would be an awful gimmick, but on Luke, it works. I doubt they're ever going to plunder this cast for future Strictly Come Dancing pros, but if they do, I hope Luke's at the top of the list. And Kirsty. Can you imagine Kirsty as a Strictly pro? (No - Chris) I can, and it's DELICIOUS. It ends, with pyrotechnics, because we're pushing the boat out tonight.

Cat reads out the voting numbers, even though the lines aren't opening for ages yet. From there, we go straight into our first couple dance of the night: Katie and Matt in a jazz routine to 'Heads Will Roll' by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. It's got a sort of bizarro Alice In Wonderland theme to it - with Katie as the Queen of Hearts and Matt as...I dunno, some flunky. Matt is wearing a jacket with massive shoulderpads that was probably borrowed from Sisco's wardrobe, tight silver jeans, and mid-calf boots that accentuate the fact that he's quite wee. Katie is wearing a black and red dress with the closest you can get to shoulderpads on thin straps, and red tartan ankle boots. God only knows, quite frankly. I think K-Lo is slightly better than Matt in this routine - her moves are sharper and have more definition, and he seems to be slightly behind the beat at points. It's quite a good routine, hampered slightly by occasional uncertainty in movement from both parties, but features some nice flips and tricks.

Cat summons them over and asks Matt if he's been borrowing Lee B's leggings. Nigel crows that they'll find out who'll be sitting in that throne later on tonight. Matt turns around to look at it, and shrugs "'S gone." Oh, all right: heh. He says that he always thought a boy would win the competition, though obviously it could be ANY BOY, it could still be GIAN LUCA. However, he credits K-Lo for keeping up throughout the routine, and applauds Mandy Moore's choreography. He loved Mandy Moore's choreography, and thinks this was a really good start, but he still wants more from them later. Arlene says that they're the king and queen of dance, and that the routine was a retro-pleasure. She liked seeing Matt as a New Romantic (okay then), and liked that Katie offered up a performance as opposed to just being technically very good. Louise has enjoyed seeing them do what they do best, and liked seeing Matt being quirky and Katie being tougher. Sisco thinks Matt's had a great run throughout the competition, while Katie has had things tougher, "with the partners you've had". OOF. However, he adds, she's always been amazing, and calls her "a blimming star". Cat's all, "eh, fuck the judges, public vote innit."

With our second routine of the night, we now have Kirsty and Luke, doing some contemporary dance to 'Nothing Compares 2U'. Much as with last week's 'Total Eclipse Of The Heart' number, this is exactly how you'd expect it to be - billowing outfits (Luke's chest is on display, of course) and lots of overwrought emotion. I'm actually disappointed that Luke and Kirsty weren't partnered sooner, because with her faces and his FEELINGS, there's so much potential there. The routine is notable primarily for Kirsty looking a bit dizzy after being spun around by Luke, for Luke planting a big smacker on Kirsty's lips TWICE, and for a bit where, much to my distress, Kirsty's lying on the floor trying to kick Luke away and then he climbs on top of her and they both start rolling up and down, and...was that meant to look as rapacious as it did? Anyway, beyond that there's a lot of leaping (which Kirsty does very well, I might add) and it ends with the two of them staring into each other's eyes, breathing heavily, with so many unspoken FEELINGS.

Cat: "I liked that - more kissing, less fighting." Louise tells Kirsty that she wears her heart on her sleeve when she dances, and THAT'S WHY PEOPLE LIKE HER. (I like her because she does things like point to her face and bellow "I CAN'T HEAR WORDS!". Sod off telling me why I like people Louise - Chris) She adds that Kirsty's got better and better, but needs to remember to be light on their feet. Luke's flexibility is amazing, and she's going to miss his leg extensions next week. Cat suggests that Luke takes a picture for Louise to keep on her phone (I'd say she could get fired for that, but it's not like anyone on this show has a job after tonight anyway(or gives a shit about what Louise does. Remember the week she came out with worm-shit all over her face and nobody said a thing? - Chris)) and Louise responds that she was hoping Luke would teach that move to Jamie. I concur, and suggest this is commissioned as a six-part spin-off series. I don't care, as long as I get to see it. Sisco thinks Luke is a true survivor who always demonstrates great technique, and always shows his technical brilliance as well as an emotional connection. He loves Kirsty's vulnerability, and while she may not be the most technical dancer here, she's still brilliant because she works with what she has. There's a distinct note of "we like Kirsty really, please don't give her a sympathy vote win" to these critiques tonight, isn't there? Nigel says that despite the song title, they must of course compare this to something that Matt did and find it wanting: specifically, his contemporary routine with Katie from last week, which I personally didn't think was all that, but there you go. He thinks Kirsty is a sensational performer who sells the dance with her face. He asks if they've done their best, because that's all anyone can ask, "and if you've done that, I'm happy for you." Oh, OUCH. (Quite. Why not pat her fucking head whilst you're at it Nigel? - Chris) Cat asks them if they indeed feel they've done their best, still having not entirely twigged that she needs to be looking at Kirsty when she talks to her, because there's a little pause while Kirsty tries to figure out what question she's responding to, eventually plumping for a fairly neutral "I gave it my all". Luke agrees that he's happy with their performance. Arlene thinks "nothing compares to you two, so far", telling Kirsty that Javier (De Frutos, I'm guessing, though quite a few of the choreographers tonight aren't really getting their credits) has done a fantastic job on her, and Luke that he touches and feels the air.

It's solo time at this point, but to give everyone a bit more time to get changed, we have of course (OF COURSE - Chris) got some VTs. Katie's up first, and confesses that when she did her first audition, she was worried that the judges would hate it. While the judges loved her initial routine, she eventually got a rather more disgusted reaction when she was part of the team behind the infamous Walk Of Shame dance at Choreography Camp, along with Luke, Bethany Rose and somebody called Daniel whom I've pretty much forgotten, but probably still got more screentime during the auditions than Alice, Danielle, Katrina or AndrogyLee. Nigel called this the worst choreography to a piece of music that he'd ever seen, because he hadn't yet seen that awful mess that Ryan, Alice and Kirsty were given for the Meet The Top 20 show. K-Lo didn't think she'd make the Top 20, but then Louise called and told her that SHE HAD, HOORAY! One of Katie's favourite routines was her lyrical hip hop piece with Lee-Boy in the first competitive week, because that was the first couple routine that she did on the show. She recalls getting some amazing feedback from the judges (oddly, this is illustrated with Arlene hollering that Katie was "right out of Gossip Girl", so okay), and she also loved her contemporary piece with Matt last week. Overall, she's just chuffed to be in the final, and grateful to everyone who put her here. At this, she brings it on home: "It's a dream come true. That sounds a bit corny, doesn't it? But it's the highlight of my life. I turned up to one audition one day, and off the back of that I'm here, and I don't really know what I've done to deserve it." Suddenly I feel like Katie Love was actually this awesome person we never got to know properly because the show wanted her to have the "brilliant technician, needs to develop personality" edit.

After I've finished wiping my eyes, Katie performs her solo to Leona Lewis's cover of 'Run' (Katie Love's music choices for her solos are disappointingly MOR, even by this show's standards), and it's good - very light, very floaty, lots of spinning and turning and very deft technical manoeuvres, and a real emotional hit behind it all. Probably the best solo of the night, I think.

She walks over for a cuddle with Cat, who asks her about her most memorable moment, and Katie says that her highlight was last week, doing Mandy Moore's contemporary choreography on this show with Matt. Good choice. She thanks Mandy for the experience, and Cat reminds us that Katie RAN ACROSS THE STAGE AND THREW HERSELF AT MATT, JUST LIKE WE THE AUDIENCE SHOULD DO WHEN THE VOTING OPENS LATER! Or something. Cat tells us that if we think Katie should become Britain's favourite dancer, we should call the number shown on screen. Katie responds to this with an "oh, don't be daft" handwave. Seriously: I wish I'd appreciated her more earlier in the series.

Next up for VT Exposure is Matt. He turned up to his audition in an Olly Murs-style Twat Hat, which I think was the moment that the seeds of my dislike for him were sown. Matt says that his ambition was always to make the final, and we see him tap his way to a golden ticket. He goes on to say that he was really lucky to be partnered with Charlotte, though he's too polite to add that this is because she made him look both better and smarter, instead saying that they were well-matched and she was a good friend. He recalls the standing ovation (minus Sisco) they got for the Broadway routine, and that they were being seen as a happy-go-lucky type couple, so he was glad when they got to show another side with a contemporary routine. He blathers on about seeing his parents every week in the audience, and that they've given him so much, and he hopes this can be a way of repaying them. Somehow I doubt he means the £50,000. He concludes that being in the show was awesome, and he's going to miss it very much. Though he'll get to be on it again when the Season 8 US finale rolls around, so I'm not crying so much here.

Matt solos for us to 'Ain't Got No, I Got Life' by Nina Simone. Tappa tappa tappa. Tappa tappa tappa. Mostly throughout this routine I am mesmerised by the solid immovability of his quiff, which bounces up and down with him without a single strand falling out of place. I could seriously use a hairspray like that. It ends with a somersault, which he slides out of across the front of the stage, basically hurling his crotch into the camera. I didn't really need that. Another standing ovation from three judges, another standing no-vation from Sisco. Interesting.

Cat's all "eh, it was okay. Couldn't you have done something MORE FUCKING SPECTACULAR at the end?", all jokey-jokey, and Matt suggest she give it a go, then. Cat scoffs at the very idea: "In this dress? You must be mad! We'd be taken off the air!" I think you're getting taken off the air after tonight anyway, Cat, so I say go for it. She asks for his favourite moment, and he says again that it was being paired with Charlotte, because the competition is not just about dance, it's also about coming over well in your VT (ha!), and she made that easy for him. He's got a point: I challenge anyone not to look good in comparison after spending five weeks coupled with someone who's all "WHAT AM A FOXTROT? LOOK A DONKEY!" Cat reads out Matt's voting number, Matt threatens to pick her up, Cat threatens to end him if he so much as tries it.

Kirsty's VT next, and she opens it by saying that when she was a little girl, she expected to be on TV, which is such a Lauren Samuels level of ill-advised comment, I can't even begin to describe it. Girls should never expect anything, Kirsty! Girls must be grateful at all times that we even remember they're there! (She probably meant Crimewatch as part of an all-girl cat-burgling team - Chris) She says that as she got older, she realised those were just dreams, and says that she wanted it so bad when she did the audition, and it was a real kick to make the Top 20. Once there, she surprised us all by actually being quite good, and she says that she's danced "every genre possible" (perhaps not all of them, but she's certainly had to adapt to a wider range of styles than pretty much everyone else left standing at this point) and while the Bollywood and Argentine Tango routines were highlights, she can't pick an overall favourite because she loved it all. She adds that it hasn't always been easy for her (shot of Kirsty faceplanting on the Unsecured Table O' Doom) and she has struggled in rehearsals because she can't always hear the music as well as everybody else, but she's wanted to dance ever since she was a little girl, and it makes her very emotional. She's very grateful to be in the Top 4, and thinks she's the luckiest girl in the world to have had the public voting for her.

She solos to Britney Spears' 'I'm A Slave For You', and it's definitely better than both of her previous solos, if still not in the same league as everyone else. That's kind of all there is to say really. And she does the splits at the end.

Cat tells Kirsty that enough of that "no favourites" nonsense, she needs to pick her most-cherished routine NOW, dammit. Kirsty opts for the Bollywood routine, because of the costume and because of Lee, saying that it made her feel like a superstar when he stuck her on his shoulder and paraded her around the stage.

Finally in the solo branch, it's Angry Luke. We see his audition, back when he had normal-person hair (I know Chris will disagree with me on this, but I prefer his mad white-blonde hair, personally) (eh - Chris) and he explains that he was nervous and unsure if he wanted to do this when he turned up. He too relives the horror of Choreography Camp where he unwisely took on Nigel with the "walking is as good as dancing" argument, and thought that he might have cost him his place in the competition, which is why he spoke up for himself. Still, it didn't hurt him in the end, because he made it here to show us his chest and his FEELINGS and his leg extensions, and I for one am very glad indeed. Luke thinks his real turnaround week was beating the Latin curse with his paso doble, and he thinks the whole experience has been phenomenal because it's built up his confidence in himself. He gets a bit weepy and relates that his mum has been there for him throughout this experience, as she has been for his entire life, and he hopes that he's shown her he has done something with his life. He adds that the finale has crept up on him, and perhaps now he can finally take a step back and admit to himself that he's done well in something. Everybody wanting to give Angry Luke a big hug at this point, please form an orderly queue behind me.

Luke's solo is to 'Love Don't Let Me Go' by David Guetta, and opens with the obligatory leg extension, before moving into a routine that's a little funkier and less emo than the solos I've come to expect from Luke, with a bit of body-popping and armography and crotch-thrusting and cheeky winks. I kind of prefer him when he's going batshit to Take That, but this is good too. Especially since he's wearing jeans that show off every muscle in his legs, and a vest that allows proper examination of his arms.

Cat asks Luke for his personal highlight, and he thinks the vampire routine from week one, where he was hanging from the ceiling and realised he was part of something special. After the voting number is read out, Luke gives Cat one last wink and scarpers.

More pairs now, and Kirsty and Matt are up first - but before that, of course, there's a VT - this time featuring contributions from their loved ones. Kirsty's parents say that they never expected she would be on this show because her hearing made things difficult for her, but that made her more determined. Kirsty's best friend Jennifer says that she's always been proud of Kirsty, but even more so now. Kirsty's friend Joanne says that it would be fantastic if Kirsty won, and Joanne's daughter (I assume) Ava says that Kirsty is "really good at dancing". Matt's aunt Jan says that she feels "absolutely choked" when she sees Matt dancing, but adds "with pride" before I can contribute my agreement to this sentiment. Dammit. Also, 'Hometown Glory', aka the worst song in the entire world, plays underneath this segment, so I'm almost inclined to skip the whole godforsaken thing, but I'm a professional (LOL - Chris), so I shall continue. His father Edward says that he's so proud of "Matthew" that he wants to cry. So he does. Sharon, Matt's mum, calls her husband "a daft bat". Matt's highly attractive girlfriend Dominique says she would be ecstatic if he won, and says that she never quite realised how incredible he is until she saw him on the show.

They're dancing an American Smooth foxtrot to the Candlelight Mix of 'Heaven' by DJ Sammy. The dancing's a little jerky in places, but for the most part they're graceful and smooth, with some lovely lines, and really selling the emotion of the dance, not that I'd expect anything less from these two. There's another stuttery part in the middle during a spin (for some reason, the spins seem to be the point where most contestants go wrong) but they get things back on track for the end, where Kirsty throws herself around Matt's neck and Matt holds his arms out all Jesus-like. Again.

They have a hug and a little kiss afterwards, which Cat notes was not part of the official choreography (ZOMG WATCHOUTDOMINIQUE! - Chris). There's a shot of Katya and Klaus in the audience, so I'm assuming this was their handiwork. Arlene tells Matt that he mastered the foxtrot with such grace and style, that he had the swing and the sway (shot of Matt gurning unattractively into the audience, like, pay a-fucking-ttention, Flint) and that she thinks lots of women must be wishing he was leading them right now. Kirsty allowed herself to be led, which Arlene thinks she doesn't do often, and she's the first girl Arlene has seen do the very difficult heel-turn, so she offers up her congratulations. Louise thinks there was a lot of romance on the stage, and that Matt was so smooth he could dance in a puddle without making a splash, while Kirsty is a star. Sisco loved the commitment they both contributed, and he thinks they were both stunning. Nigel thought when it was a foxtrot to a song called 'Heaven', that it would be the one that goes "Heaven, I'm in heaven..." - apparently nobody told Nigel that that song is in fact called 'Cheek To Cheek'. So he was surprised that it was a slow lyrical piece rather than a big personality number, but it doesn't matter because this was the first time tonight he's seen partners truly connect. Katya's throwing her arms out in the audience, all "FUCKING YES!"

More VT, anyone? (NO, FUCKING NO, NO, FUCK OFF VTS - Everyone) Katie's brother Chris talks about what a joy it is to see his little sister on TV, and he thinks she's done brilliantly. Katie's smoking hot boyfriend Huw says that she's been dancing all her life and it's everything to her, and while he misses her, he loves seeing her do what she loves. Katie's aunt Jo can't even talk about her without crying. Katie's parents John and Sue are incredibly proud of her. Luke's best friend Abigail thinks he's got what it takes to go all the way. His stepdad David says that Luke's in the competition to prove to himself that he's got what it takes, and that they completely believe in him. Abigail reappears to say that he's an amazing dancer and an amazing person, and his mum Julie ends it awesomely: "to be crowned Britain's Favourite Dancer would be the icing on the cake, but then I've always known he's the best dancer." Excuse me, I have something in my eye. (Use a tissue next time. Or a sock. It can sting - Chris)

They have a tango to Grace Jones's 'I've Seen That Face Before (Libertango)', with Katie wearing a dress looking very similar to one sported by Kara Tointon on Strictly, the lilac one with the black trim and the cut-outs. It's set in a masquerade ball, though only Katie is wearing a mask. Despite the need for intricate footwork in a tango, the producers have in their infinite wisdom, decided to flood the stage with dry ice so we can't see a bloody thing. The ganchos are a little sluggish, and a few of the movements are a bit too studied, but there's some lovely intent in there, and these two smoulder like two very blonde smouldery things.

Artem is in the audience, so we'll assume this was his work. Kristina is also sat next to him, but for some reasons this show steadfastly refuses to credit her for anything, so who knows if she was involved or not? Arlene says that the tango is the dance of seduction, and tonight they seduced each other, her eyes, and her heart. Nigel disagrees - he thought it started out well, but the technique wasn't good because the ganchos weren't sharp and dangerous enough. Sisco sneers at Nigel and throws technicality out of the window, because he thought they were sexy and charming. Louise thought it was dark and passionate, and she loved Katie bringing her sense of style, and Luke really fighting for the title.

At this point, the phone lines open. Vote for whoever you like! I mean, if you vote for anyone other than Matt, you're throwing your money away, but still: democracy in action. And this is in no way bitterness from someone who voted several times for Luke and Kirsty.

To round things off, it's time for the homoerotic routines. First up are the boys, and I'm sure it will SHOCK YOU TO YOUR VERY CORE to discover that they're doing a Broadway tap routine. Apparently Luke let slip a few weeks back that he had a bit of tap training, at which point currency symbols appeared in Nigel's eyes as he realised this was yet further fuel for MATTFLINTMANIA. (But, but, but they draw the dance on this show ENTIRELY RANDOMLY, so etc etc etc... - Chris) Bill Deamer is choreographing, and says that it's a genre all of its own, and there are no half measures. Nigel drops in on rehearsals to see how things are going, just as they're getting to grips with the routine. Luke mutters that he's messing up now that Nigel's here to watch. SO MANY FEELINGS. Nigel interviews that they have to be completely together, because it'll be very obvious if one of them makes a mistake. He demonstrates to Luke the difference between UK and American tap, the latter of which is apparently much lower on the ground, telling Luke he's "too high". Luke interviews in turn that this is a really big challenge for him because he's not a tapper (don't take it to heart, Luke, Tom was a tapper and it never did him any favours) but he's going to give it a go. Poor Luke. He deserves more than to just be a prop leading to Matt's inevitable victory. Nigel tells them to just do their best.

They're dancing to 'Puttin' On The Ritz' by Fred Astaire. First and foremost, I would like to complain in the strongest possible terms that there is nothing remotely homoerotic about this routine. Why have the boys perform together if they're not going to gay it up? I mean, I know we were spoilt with last week's paso doble, but this is still entirely unacceptable. The good news is that Luke is absolutely up to the task of a tap routine and gives Matt a damn good run for his money, just like I was hoping he would. Matt is obviously great because this is his JAHNRE, but my eyes are on Luke throughout. It ends, and they're both beaming; Luke in particular is all "I can't believe that worked!" Full standing ovation from the judges, Bill Deamer gives them a thumbs-up from the audience. Cat steals one of their discarded top hats and wanders around looking like a less embarrassed version of Amanda Holden in Big Top.

Nigel thinks that Luke held his own in Matt's back yard. Should we really be bringing up what these people get up to in their private lives, Nigel? He thinks that some of Luke's taps were better than Matt's, while some of Matt's leaps were longer than Luke's, so he's amused that they've swapped skills. He wishes them both luck and announces that he believes one of them will win tonight. "But which one, Nigel?" asks absolutely no one. Arlene thinks Luke razzle-dazzled with elegance (I'd let him razzle-dazzle my excellence etc etc- Chris), while Arlene thinks Matt might have two feet leaping all the way to Hollywood. Louise thinks it doesn't get better than that, and congratulates Matt for his spot-on tapping, and Luke for his versatility (I'll thank Luke for his versatility etc etc - Chris). Sisco loves seeing Matt in his element (has he really ever been out of it? It's not like he ever drew hip hop or anything), while Luke might be sailing ahead. They tap offstage.

Time for the girls to take over. Giant Lady is choreographing them a routine to 'Defying Gravity' from Wicked. She tells them to channel their inner Thelma & Louise. Which one's which? I'd put good money on Kirsty being Thelma, with Katie as Louise. Katie's happy for it to be just the girls in the studio, while Kirsty observes that it's a duet with a lot of contact, and if things don't work, then it could be dangerous (shot of Kirsty falling off Katie in rehearsals). Arlene pops in for a surprise visit, which leads them both to panic. She advises them both to ensure that moves that mirror each other her really do mirror each other. Arlene interviews that she's excited about the top two girls, but they're very different dancers. She loves Katie, but Katie is a technical dancer who isn't always the best performer. Kirsty does not have the technique (Arlene tells her off for "cutesy hands"), but she has great performance skills and is lovable. Giant Lady says that we need big, theatrical spectacle, and that they're putting the girls on a platform that any dancer would kill to be on.

The track has been absolutely butchered to hell in the edit (I don't mind if they have to cut it all up to suit the natural beats of the routine, but at least try to edit it smoothly so it's not crashing and honking one second and deathly quiet the next) and the routine is very flowing, almost contemporary in its feel. As much as I love Kirsty, Katie's clearly better here - she just has the nuances down and is a little bit more fleet of foot, though Kirsty's giving it her all. The mirroring's pretty good, albeit not perfect, and there's a nice lift of Katie by Kirsty. At the end, they take hands (and Katie gives a brilliant "you ready?" look at Kirsty at this point that's more of a statement than a question) and then they rush to the front of the stage...where they have to frantically clamber onto a teeny platform over huge swathes of fabric and cling on for dear life as the teeny platform is borne aloft and the fabric fans over the stage. Now, I love a good West End spectacle as much as the next person, but there is almost no dancing in the last 15 seconds or so of this routine. This is not So You Think You Can Grab Onto A Pole (although obviously I would watch that and recap it in excruciating detail) (If Angry Luke was on it etc etc - Chris), so I feel they've been slightly shortchanged in terms of having an opportunity to really show themselves off when the dramatic climax to their routine is barely even about them.

Cat gives them a second to untangle themselves and beckons them over. Sisco is jealous that he didn't have that for his entrance - he thinks it was a great ending, and Kirsty was believable and in her element, while Katie was a star. Louise thinks Kirsty lives and breathes dance, and her face comes alive on stage, while Katie performed out to the room for a change. Arlene thinks there's a softness and appeal in Katie's dancing, and there's no question that Arlene loves her. She thinks Kirsty is the archetypal little girl who wants to dance, and while she wishes that Kirsty had more technique, she dances from the heart. Nigel thinks everything has been said - it's down to the public now, and a man's winning anyway, so this routine is totally irrelevant anyway. (MattFlintMania's winning - everything is totally irrelevant - Chris)

So that's it for the competitive dance portion of the competition. There's a lengthy recap of all of the evening's performances, because Lord knows we're not even close to our full allocation of VTs tonight. The final four dancers rejoin Cat on the stage and Cat turns to the room all "are you NOT entertained?" Oh, and here's where we get the ugly bit: Nigel speaks up to protect his own integrity, apparently, saying that "dancing is 50% performance, 50% technique, and I think we've all got to remember tonight that it isn't just performance we're voting on, it is So You Think You Can Dance, and dance needs technique as well." Which is basically a long-winded way of saying "DON'T VOTE FOR KIRSTY" in a way that is intended not to sound like that. Also, I'd object to this a lot less if Nigel hadn't spent half the season justifying controversial decisions with "it's Britain's favourite dancer, not Britain's best dancer!", so this last-minute moving of the goalposts is unseemly. If he didn't want to take Kirsty over to dance on the US show's season finale, then he should've thought of that sooner. Although frankly this whole conversation takes place in a universe where there's any doubt of Matt winning the whole thing, and that is not the universe I know, so it feels like an entirely wasted gesture anyway.

Arlene is asked who stood out, and she thinks the boys did with their tap routine, which made her "heart beat in the rhythm of their feet". I'm going to miss Arlene. Maybe Andrew Lloyd Webber can give her a job when one of his shows is occupying this timeslot next year. Louise thinks it's tough to call a frontrunner at this point ("Matt!" shouts someone from the audience, who clearly is not finding this particular call anywhere near as difficult as Louise apparently is), and refers back to the "it's the public's decision of who wins, so I'm not going to say anything." God, just answer the fucking question, Louise. No one listens to you anyway, so it's not like anyone's going to hold you to it. Sisco also sits on the fence, saying that everyone has done well and they all deserve to win. Cat thanks the judges for their services over the evening, and reminds us of the phone numbers one last time.

Coming up in the results show: the return of the Top 20 dancers, and international megastar Jennifer Lopez. Also: Matt wins. Oops, spoiler! (YOU'VE RUINED THE IMPACT OF MY ENTIRE RECAP NOW THANKS A LOT *quits* - Chris)

Sunday, 5 June 2011

A Schue-in

Top 6 Results: 4th June 2011

Previously: AndrogyLee and Bethany Rose rifled through Sisco's wardrobe and then showed us their murky cha cha, MattFlintMania and Katie Love did something that is exactly what you'd expect a contemporary dance interpretation of 'Total Eclipse Of The Heart' to look like, and Angry Luke and Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Face-Planting Non-Choreographing Kirsty went to prom together as friends, but THEY TOTALLY GOT INVITES FROM OTHER PEOPLE AND CHOSE NOT TO ACCEPT THEM OKAY. Having thus established that we were in for a gay old time, the show then climaxed with an all-male paso doble that left me feeling like I needed a cigarette afterwards (and I say this as someone who has never smoked in his life), and an all-female contemporary routine covered in glitter confetti with a Bette Midler soundtrack. Seriously: so much gay.


We start with another group number, to the Glee version of 'Proud Mary'. Everyone's dressed as 1960s fashion victims on Carnaby Street, by which I mean the ladies have all got black bobcut wigs on, with pink minidresses and thigh-high boots, and then men are all in tight black tops and trousers, and accessorised with white belts and a white target painted on their chests. With those wigs on, it is quite difficult to tell the women apart. I hadn't realised how reliant I was on things like Katie Love's pink hair to identify people. Anyway, they proceed with a fun Broadway number with lots of cute sixties touches, and Luke is vamping away like a good'un. Cat arrives and declares peace, and most of them give V-signs (the nice kind) back to her, apart from Matt who ignores her entirely. Cat thanks Bill Deamer for choreographing that routine, and I wonder why Bill couldn't have been around more often this series, as I've really enjoyed both of his routines tonight. Also, Cat's hair needs a good brushing. You're a Pantene spokeswoman, Cat. I'm sure there is something in your contract that forbids you from going on television looking like this.

Highlights from earlier: with Lee's hair slicked back, Bethany Rose vowed to "flick for the both of us". DIRTY! She tells us that she loved dancing with Lee and couldn't ask for anything more. Matt was "technically flawless", per Sisco, and says backstage that he felt that they were both just really in the moment. Kirsty got a rave review from Sisco [and hence from nobody - Chris] and hurled under the bus Jenny-style by everyone else. Her acting is half-baked! Dogs hate Kirsty! Kirsty is not small and truthy like Danielle is! Kirsty responds to this by fleeing the stage in tears, and crying to the make-up team that she couldn't see anything because of all the hair in her face. Oof. Lee was ecstatic to have some of his best feedback of the season (I hope he's not including Nigel's "the public hate you, you're going home tonight" in that, because if so he has really low self-esteem). Louise thought Katie was perfect, and Katie thinks that she needed to raise her game, and hopes that she did that tonight. Luke looked better in a lilac suit than anyone has any right to, and was pretty awesome on the dancefloor as well (though I'm disappointed not to get a chance to revisit his madbonkers solo here), and he's really happy with the judges' comments.

Cat assures everyone that they've all been phenomenal tonight, but they do need to put two more guys and two more girls in the danger zone. She's going to start with the girls: Katie's contemporary routine earned a standing ovation, and Arlene thought she delivered tonight; Bethany got some good feedback but almost none of it is repeated here; Kirsty was thrown under the bus entirely. The first girl through to the final is...Kirsty! Kirsty gapes, Bethany Rose smiles affectionately, Katie Love looks impassive. So Katie and Bethany Rose are dancing for their lives, to no one's surprise. Cat urges them to give it everything they've got.

Same deal for the guys: Luke's Broadway routine got rave reviews all round; Matt's contemporary routine took Nigel by surprise; Lee delivered as always. The guy who is safe and through to the final is...Matt. Again, absolutely no surprise there, and I think I include everyone on stage when I say it, though Matt at least makes a decent fist of being humble about it all. On the bright side: this means we get solos from Luke and Lee B, both of which should be AMAZING.

Katie's up first, performing to 'Then You Look At Me' by Celine Dion. It's actually a very passionate performance from her, using the whole of the stage, never stopping for a second, really hurling herself into every movement. It's basically the same level of engagement she had in her earlier number, except without having Matt there to catch her when she lobs herself forward.

Luke's next, dancing to 'I'm Not Alone' by Calvin Harris. I regret to inform you that it is comparitively restrained when you think of his solo from earlier [Liza Minnelli is comparatively restrained when you think of his solo from earlier - Chris], but if you like looking at the muscles in his arms [YOU RANG? - Chris], this will be right up your street because there is some serious flexing going on here.

Bethany Rose returns to dance to 'Man In The Mirror' by Michael Jackson, having returned to a red cut-out leotard rather than the demure flowy dresses she's been sporting for solos quite a lot recently. I'm actually a bit disappointed with this solo, which seems like a lot of nothing - a few impressive moments, but in terms of commitment and energy, it's rather lacking compared to Katie's solo, or indeed Bethany Rose's own solo from earlier.

And finally, there is Lee B, sporting a new yet equally horrific pair of leggings. LEAVE THE LEGGINGS ALONE, LEE B. His routine is to 'Army Of Me' by Björk. Fortunately, after the disappointment of Luke's restraint, Lee unleashes enough crazy for everyone in his routine, which is a proper kitchen sinker. Lots of leaps, lots of kicks, some crawling on the floor, and mine and Chris's personal favourite, a moment where he twitches his head back while kicking his foot around, almost kicking himself in the head. Oh, and his hair is completely obscuring his face, Kirsty-style, for a good half of the routine.

While the judges deliberate, here is Mr Schuester from Glee to sing for us. At this point, I wish I were one of the judges up there deliberating, just so I wouldn't have to listen to this. The song is 'Still Got Tonight' from his new eponymous album, and it's pretty bland, although it's nice to know that Kris Allen's still using his time productively (he co-wrote it, you see). Anyway, I'm sure Matthew Morrison is a perfectly nice bloke, but the problem with him as a solo artist is that, because of Glee, it is essentially like watching one of your teachers getting up and singing in assembly. [That and the hair - Chris] Also, I found out yesterday that Naya Rivera had signed a record deal, which kind of makes this entire performance irrelevant. SANTANA LOPEZ 4EVA.

Once that's over, Cat welcomes back the four dancers who are in danger, GURL. Starting with the girls, Nigel says that Katie and Bethany Rose are the two that he would've liked to see in the finals, but Britain has voted, and the show is meant to be about Britain's favourite dancer, not Britain's best dancer, although frankly that still doesn't explain Charlie Bruce [Nothing explains Charlie Bruce - Chris]. Nigel loves Bethany and thinks she's fabulous, but tonight Katie won him over, so Bethany's outta here. Bethany's all "yup, kinda saw that coming." Cat offers to show us Bethany's best bits, although thanks to some of her outfit choices, most of us are probably intimately familiar with them. Anyway: golden ticket, hanging up on Nigel, spiderweb of doom, being raised by alpacas, somehow surviving two hip hop routines. Cat tells Bethany we'll all remember that spider routine forever, [WE WILL ALL REMEMBER BETHANY-ROSE'S SPIDER FOREVER - Chris] and Bethany says that she felt so strongly about this competition, and thanks everyone for making her dreams come true. She also thanks her supportive family of adorable barnyard animals.

Time to sort out the boys. The judges are unanimous, though Nigel stresses that it's not about letting somebody go that is bad, just about having to let someone go. They're both unique dancers, but AndrogyLee is the one who's going home. Lee looks a little sad, but gets a hug from Luke which I think would go some way to making up for it. (What? Luke looks like he hugs well.) While Luke goes off to hug Matt as well, Lee gets another hug from Cat, and we review his finest leggings of the series: lots of "breaking the mould", lots of "you're a nerd who's in love with Kirsty", lots of hair, lots of leggings, lots of general Team Raggy Dolls amazingness. Aw. I'm going to miss AndrogyLee, but I guess at least he'll be back next week for the finale anyway, so this isn't such a terrible week to go out, especially when it's basically all just a fight to see who gets to finish second behind MATTFLINTMANIA anyway. [Is it Kirsty? Is it Luke? THE TENSION - Chris] Lee's VT finishes by saying that he loves that the show has allowed him to be unique, and he hopes that if people stare at him now, it's because he was on the telly. Cat asks what she's going to do without him every week, and Lee replies that he's not sure, because "Britain needs more leggings." Hee! He adds that he came on the show to prove that you can't judge a book by its cover, and hopes that's what he's done. Kirsty is crying and yelling and jumping up and down for him like a mad thing in the pit. Awww. I hope they stay friends, they look like they had a great time dancing together.

Cat teases next week's grand finale featuring Jennifer Lopez [I cannot believe J-Lo is turning up for this - Chris] as Kirsty runs onstage and hurls herself at Lee, and Bethany sort of stands there a bit awkwardly until Matt walks up and gives her a big hug. As always, eventually it just devolves into a big group cuddle party and then we're done. So, your finalists are: MattFlintMania, Angry Luke, Katie Love and Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Face-Planting Non-Choreographing Kirsty. Who will win? Well, Matt, obviously, but who will come second? [F'nar - Chris] That, I'm sure you'll agree, is a question that no one can answer, at least not until next Saturday's results show. See you then!

So You Think You Can Be A Pasosexual?

Top 6: 4th June 2011

Previously : We finally crowbarred apart our original couples, and in doing so discovered who'd been pulled this far on the back of a more popular partner (Hi Scally! Hi AndrogyLee!) and who was just unpopular in their own right (Hi Bethany-Rose!). After Chicago, Librarian Girls, AndrogyLee getting drafted off to fight the Nazis, and Angry Luke inviting us all into his Supermassive Black Hole OF FEELINGS, it was Israel and Scally who got the flick, leaving us with, unless Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Face-Planting Kirsty's vote collapses, the most predictable semi-finals OF ALL TIME.


We open with a group number, which appears to be somewhat Riviera themed. All the women are sunning themselves on loungers in their swimming costumes, reading SYTYCD! Magazine (cover star Louise, who is promising to reveal her Top 10 Dance Moves inside. I bet one of them's The Worm. And Emma Bunton's patented titiruba). [I completely did not notice this the first time I watched. Then again, I might have been distracted by the men in tight shorts. - Steve] The boys meanwhile are their waiters/pool boys/gigolos, serving them cocktails and frotting up against them, despite the presence of a giant "No Petting" sign. How rude. I guess if Paige was still here there'd be a "No Bombing" sign as well. Maybe in reference to Angry Luke, Katie Love and Bethany Rose-Lee's past CRIMES AGAINST CHOREOGRAPHY there should be a "No Walking" sign.

Anyway, they're all sexing it up and flouncing around to some song that is familiar to me, but which I couldn't say I really recognised or liked, which automatically means that it's from the Dirty Dancing soundtrack. I've never seen Dirty Dancing. This makes me a bad gay I know. Speaking of which, the whole show this week is basically the infamous Homo Camp that Simon Cowell definitely did not put Ronan Parke through now he did not, don't come after me Syco Lawyers. But we'll get to that. The routine ends with the boys MIND-TRICKING the girls into serving them cocktails and waiting on them instead. THE CLASS SYSTEM IS SUBVERTED, LIVE, ON SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE! I note none of them are so gay yet that they're reading about Nurding's Dream Dresses. That'll change.

Enter Deeley : dressed as a sparkly sea-cucumber. She shoos the dancers, showing that no matter how much the class system of Earth is disrupted, Cat is still God. She tells us that we're only ONE WEEK AWAY from crowning MattFlintMania! as Britain's Favourite Dancer! But who does the audience think MattFlintMania! is going to be? Some poor soul yells "Bethany-Rose". As that MUST be a member of her family to be so happily deluded, they really should have panned to the audience so we could see a goose talk. You know, outside of the Babe movies. But before that, tonight each contestant must perform a group routine, a couples routine, and a solo, to test their bodies and their brains. Then they enter the Fun House itself, for a MAD TWO MINUTE DASH FOR EXCITING Oh, wrong show.

(Sidebar : Cat is pretty much the perfect human being, but I've just noticed she is constantly Lady Macbeth'ing her free hand when she talks. It's distracting Cat. It's pulling me away from appreciating your topical comedy about FIFA.)

Judges are introduced now : Sisco, who has apparently "just beamed down from Planet Fabulous", Louise who is apparently "the most glamorous judge who will never budge" (Arlene demonstrably stops clapping at this point), Arlene Phillips who "before Heat Magazine, gave us REAL Hot Gossip" (so she'll no doubt be attacking FDOFPFP Kirsty's thighs with her RING OF, actually if anyone's getting attacked by Arlene's Ring Of Shame it'll be one of the boys), and finally "the man, the maestro, the miracle of movement, Mr" Nigel Lythgowe. Who then dons shades and vaudeville's around about how he's blinded by Cat's dress. Consequently I have donned shades to counter the hangover I'm enduring because of the amount of alcohol I had to consume and get through this and Britain's Got Singers Who Are Too Niche/Unstable For The X Factor in the same evening.

Cat and Sisco have a gay-off as to who is dressed in the most homosexual fashion, before Nigel is asked about the emotional, physical and mental struggle of having to get through three group numbers, a paired routine, and potentially two solos all in one week. Nigel's response "tough!". Hopefully we'll have broken someone in the time for the final again, just like last year! Imagine if it was MattFlintMania! IMAGINE the panic from the production team at the thought of who might actually have a chance of winning then. Kirsty would randomly probably randomly draw "Wagon Wheel Watusi" and out of the totally random draw and be made to dance it in a burkini whilst "Peanut Butter Jelly Time" plays as her music. [She'd still get my vote. - Steve]

Arlene is asked to empathetically minge on about how hard dancers work and how underpaid they are, as she is sat there being paid hundreds of thousands of pounds to alliterate, call people fat, and sleaze on men who are less than a third her age. LET THEM EAT CAKE! Arlene declares that just this week she was contacted by someone asking if one of the eliminated girl contestants could come and audition for a top West End Musical. Scally IS Grizabella! Possibly. [Perhaps they want Paige for a production of A Bore-Us Line. No? I'll get my coat. - Steve] Cat gushes that you NEVER KNOW who's watching. Or, frankly, if anyone is. (*pokes ratings machine* *smoke emerges*)

Next up, a very Strictly moment, as all the judges sit around backstage and discuss what they think of each contestant, like that isn't entirely obvious at this point. We do get nice little video-screens beforehand telling us key-details like :

MattFlintMania! - 29 - 5ft 8 - CAN DO ANYTHING
Angry Luke - 30 - 7ft 5 - SO MANY FEEEEEEEEEEELINGS
AndrogyLee - 21 - Special Move : Head Thrash - WEIRRRRRRRRRD
Kirsty - 29- Jazz - FAAAAAAAT
Bethany Rose Lee - 20 - Jazz - DON'T HATE HER BECAUSE YOU AIN'T HER!

Judges start with Kirsty, with Arlene calling her "adorable" and pondering on her Argentine Tango. "Where did those things come from?" she wonders. Genetics? Sisco calls her a "dark horse", like she hasn't clearly been annihilating all the other women in the vote from second 1. They then move on to Matt, who Nigel (after last week saying that he hadn't really seen Matt expand outside of his JAHNRUH) says has really done well expanding outside of his JAHNRUH. Arlene says that Matt is a "cute little package", and everything about him is small, apart from his personality and his technique. Meow. [But is it truthy? Where's Sheila Hancock when you need her? - Steve]

Sisco says that Katie Love is great to watch in contemporary, but she hasn't unleashed her beast yet. Arlene wants to see her really let herself go and be thrilling. Arlene also wants to kick her in the face. Well that relationship turned abusive fast. Luke is next, and Arlene says he's one of the most exciting dancers in the competition, with Louise saying that he's improved every week to the extent that he's now a front runner. Bethany-Rose Lee is next, with Sisco calling her a vixen, and Louise saying that she's so hungry and driven that she's lost the softer side of herself. That DRIVEN MONSTER! Maybe it's because you've not given her one single routine which wasn't either hip-hop or her having to act like a dutty ho, or wasn't that Charleston where Israel stole the show by flopping around everywhere like a dying mackerel. Nigel says that she has the best technique of all the girls by far. Yeah, that'll win her votes.

We close with AndrogyLee, who Sisco describes as weird and wonderful and eccentric, with Louise chiming in "JUST LIKE YOU!". No Louise, not like Sisco. Profoundly not like Sisco. We close with Nigel being terrified of AndrogyLee's leggings, and how they make him feel as a man. Calm down Nigel, he'll be gone soon.

Back in the studio after that waste of time, it's time for our first couple. Cat explains to us all that this evening, they've mixed the couples up so that each dancer will be partnered with someone they've never danced with before. Despite the fact that this means that there are only two possible combinations, we still go ahead with the totally random drawing anyway because...who's paying attention really? First up, and doomed are AndrogyLee and Bethany-Rose Lee. IT'S TEAM LEELEE! Cat tells us all that this week for them has been all about hair-whips, shoulder-dips and bruised lips. And, judging from the PVC outfits they're wearing, probably chafed nips as well.

In VT, both AndrogyLee and Bethany Rose Lee talk about how gutting it was for them to be in the bottom two last week. Well, for AndorgyLee anyway. Bethany-Rose seems kind of over it at this point. We're shown them totally randomly drawing one-another, and whipping their manes at one-another in delight. Bethany-Rose was of course taught to whip her mane as a greeting by her mother the Palomino Pony. They also totally randomly draw cha cha, which neither of them look particularly happy about.

Next up, we're shown AndrogyLee's morning routine. Waking up, showering, applying his eye-liner, eating his toast, and leaving the house at 8am. He does some good-natured moaning about having to leave the house so early. A nation's heart bleeds. Once at training we learn that the choreographers for this routine are Artem and Kristina. Kristina as per usual does not get to speak. I hope she and Mute Jaci choreograph a routine for the final and convey it to the contestants entirely via the art of mime. Artem and Bethany-Rose go for a tricky lift, and he punches Bethany-Rose in the face, and then pulls "erp!" face right down the camera. He explains that the routine he's choreographed is hard, because it's a semi-final, but not that hard, because it's a semi-final. THANKS ARTEM.

Both Bethany-Rose and AndrogyLee interview to the effect that they don't have a bloody clue what's going on, and that this is their most difficult routine yet. Artem bellows "WE ARE FAKING IT UNTIL WE ARE MAKING IT!" right at the camera, which...bodes well. He says that he's glad it is at least going better today than it was yesterday, because following yesterday's rehearsal, Artem felt on the verge of running home and crying. Yeah, that's difficult to imagine...

So out to the stage we go, and each of them is dominatrixed up (well...AndrogyLee's kind of wearing a dominatrix Bowling Shirt) because this is an Artem Chigvintsev cha cha. Remember how he dressed Kara up as his fantasy cha-cha girl? Yeah. That. They're dancing to Judas by Lady Gaga, which really excited me during the week because I want nothing for the best for AndrogyLee on the show this week, like you gather all an elderly great-aunt's favourite things around her so she's extra comfortable before she dies, but I didn't really think how it would work as a cha cha. And neither did Artem by the looks of it.

Bethany-Rose is totally on auto-slag for the entire routine. I think this is her equivalent Slutwalk after Nigel told her to stop being so sexy last week because she was putting women off. She looks AMAZING, but the music's so gloopy and slowed down that there's no real sense of fun or bounce to the routine. I don't know why you'd try to choreograph a tortured cha cha, but there we are. AndrogyLee's trying, but his moves are a bit clicky, and really it's all eyes on Bethany-Rose for me in this dance. They do an amazing lift at the end where she cartwheels into a drop and gives sex eyes to the camera, but I'm basically left wishing they'd done a Commercial or Jazz routine to the same song, because it doesn't really suit this JAHNRUH.

In the audience, Artem and Kristina look non-plussed. Well, you choreographed it. Behind them, Klaus turns to Katya and says something that looks a bit like "well that wasn't bad". Cat coos generically at AndrogyLee as he comes over about how "everything is hanging off those cheekbones". Including the hopes of a nation yes?

Nigel starts by saying that he thinks that if someone tuned on in the middle, they'd be surprised to learn that that was a cha-cha. That's the politest version of "what the fuck was that?" I've ever heard. He doesn't even know how they did that last lift (Artem : "IT WAS TRICKY!"). Apparently if we go by the votes then these are the two who will be leaving this evening. And the show does, so they're eliminated there and then. The End.

No? OK. We've got to string this out for another three hours. Nigel says that he hopes that the other four dancers will be even more amazing than that tonight, so these two going home won't be too much of a wrench. AndrogyLee was so strong, and Bethany-Rose was sensational, and Nigel doesn't understand why the public haven't warmed to her. IT'S CAUSE OF DAT ASS NIGEL, THAT MUST BE WHY!

Arlene is asked if she's ever seen a PVC-clad cha-cha before, and she lies that she hasn't. Whatever Arlene, I would be surprised if your cha-cha wasn't encased in man-made plastics right now. She agrees with Nigel that she didn't see a lot of cha cha going on, but she did see a lot of charm going on. It was fizzing like champagne in a cocktail shaker, and it had WOW FACTOR. Oh sod off with your Wow Factor Arlene. Worst reality tv cliche outside of X Factor. Bethany-Rose could have moved her hips more, and AndrogyLee could have worked the floor more, but other than that? SENSATIONAL.

Louise says that AndrogyLee danced with great "mashcoolinity" for a man wearing so much eye-liner and he really deserves to be there, and that Bethany-Rose really took on their criticism and worked on it in that routine, by improving her arms and gaining the Latin flavour. Sisco does nothing all evening apart from crawl every single dancer's bum and stays there. I ain't recapping that. PRIZES FOR EVERYONE!

Next up : some solos. First up is Fat Deaf Old Foot-Phobic Face-Planting Can't Solo Kirsty. She does her solo to "Feeling Good" by Nina Simone's better than last week. There. I was nice. I have loved everything that Kirsty has done in her pairs, even when she was SheWolf Of The Apprentice, but in the final battle for my heart between her and Angry Luke for the Win, these solos are really what tipped the balance. She's asked by Cat what it would mean to her reach the final, and she says it'll be the culmination of her life-long dream of dance. Bless. She's then asked what she's enjoyed about the show, and she says everything. Even the bits that hurt. And which she didn't sue over. Remember?

Standing alone next Cat officially makes Kirsty look like a dwarf. If she turned to the right she could motorboat her, BURLESQUE STYLE. Just saying. [If only they'd moved the show to a post-watershed graveyard slot instead of an early evening slot o' doom. - Steve]

Speaking of Angry Luke's Angry Solos, we're about to experience one, and Jesus Wept this is pretty much Furious Luke. I haven't seen this amount of emoting to The Flood since Take That performed it for the fiftieth time in the X Factor final and I put my fist through my coffee table. Jumping and punching and growling and rolling about and gravity defying leaps and carthweels and FURIOUS FURIOUS SPINNING. It gets so loud and so angry that when she shoves his pecs at the camera with a flourish half-way through, Take That actually sing a little bit quieter because he's scaring the bejesus out of them. And they're on a pre-recorded backing track. It ends with Luke sprawled on the floor like From Here To Eternity, tummy heaving up and down with spent emotion. Cat asks him about his perspective on this experience. He replies that it is the BEST THING HE'S EVER DONE. ALL THESE NEW EXPERIENCES AND FEEEEEEEEEELINGS. Cat makes him wink like Anne Robinson down the camera-lens just to take the edge off a bit.

Those over, Cat asks us what we were doing at 6:30am on Monday. I was sleeping Cat. Apparently if we were dancing to The Boomtown Rats, we were Matt Flint and Katie Love. This whole "Boomtown Rats" thing is never explained. They're not shown dancing to it - it's just layered on the soundtrack to Matt hitting his alarm clock. It did get my hopes up we were due a school-shooting themed pop-jazz to "I Don't Like Mondays." We Need To Talk About Katie Love.

In VT , we're reminded that last week was officially a good week for Katie Love and Matt Flint, as Katie Love got to vamp around like Roxie Hart, and Matt Flint drew the dance outside of his wheelhouse that just involves standing there and occasionally grabbing a boob. Out of the CatBox, Katie Love draws Matt, and then Matt draws out Contemporary. Both look very pleased indeed. Matt in interview says that, as he's partnered with a contemporary dancer, he's really going to have to up his game to keep up. Yes Matt, because otherwise you might go home. Definitely.

6:30am Monday now, as Matt very diligently prepared breakfast, sniffs his milk, gets dressed, does his hair, climbs in his taxi, and sets off to work. Meanwhile, Katie Love stumbles out her door at 9 or so, clutching her toast and wearing sunglasses. Hands up who thinks Katie Love got trashed last night? Yeah, me too. In rehearsals, there stands Mandy Moore, again, because she's obviously not busy, carrying the weight of this show's choreography entirely on her back for the forseeable. She says that, as it's the semi-finals, and Matt and Katie are a "power couple" they're going to need a routine that really pushes them.

Cue the next 30 seconds or so being Matt struggling manfully through really difficult Contemporary choreography, Katie Love being dumped repeatedly on her spine, and her seeming like she'd quite like to dance this with someone who knows what they're doing so she doesn't end up a vegetable. It's like Lee-Boy never went away isn't it? I'm sure this will end exactly the same way with the judges as well.

Out to the stage now, and they're both dressed in pale-piss yellow and dancing to "Total Eclipse Of The Heart". It's your standard "dress in whites and pale colours and roll around the floor to a woman being overwrought with mostly awkward lifts occasionally shoe-horned in". I love Mandy Moore, but much more as a jazz choreographer than a contemporary one, because her music choices are always a bit...naff. Which works for jazz, but for contemporary routines it takes the edge off the routine a little if I was doing a routine with the same intent around my outdoor chair-swing at my 19th birthday whilst out of my mind on cheap champagne.

Is that enough insight into my life yet? [Never. - Steve]

Matt is pretty good, except when he has to do lifts, when it all gets a bit fumbly. Katie Love is also good, although she radiates about as much connection with her partner as a windsock does to a hippopotamus. They do get killer air off a leap at the end though, which makes the whole thing just about worthwhile. For a lyrical routine though, there's not nearly enough turning around on the "TURN AROUND!" bits.

Everyone in the room gives it a standing O, including the judges, and this time Louise doesn't even have to drag Sisco up by the elbow. Cat gushes about how she was standing there ready to catch Katie Love if Matt missed her. Like Katie Love would let that happen. She'd totally twist mid-air and take him down with her.

Louise starts for the judges saying that she felt really emotional throughout, because she knows these two have been on such a JOURNEY (*drink*). Matt has mutant ninja dance style powers that can't be taught, only bred via a complex chain of genetic accidents through the years, and Katie Love occasionally lacks oomph, but did not then. It was full of oomph. Mostly the noises she was making as Matt dug his fingers into her ribs trying to keep hold of her. Nigel follows, thanking Mandy Moore for that routine, and her routines through the series in general. In the audience (sitting next to what I originally took to be a "yellowed-up" Kate Prince, like she could possibly get more offensive) does the little "prayer hands dip" of thanks that Dr Hamela did all last series on Strictly. It's kind of charming on her though.

Nigel carries on praising Katie Love's leap favourably to Rithy's poor effort from earlier in the series (LEAVE RITHY ALOOOOOOONE!) and also by praising MattFlintMania! for being what this show is all about, because he's a tapper who is now OUTSIDE OF HIS JAHNRUH! Arlene follows by bigging up Matt for showing he could do contemporary dance, and also Katie Love for giving herself entirely to the dance. When she heard Bonnie Tyler yell "I REALLY NEED YOU TONIGHT!", Arlene replied "oh alright Bonnie, do you want me to pick up a copy of More magazine, a Mars Ice Cream Bar and a bottle of Absolut as per usual? We can watch the Britain's Got Talent final and whip bits of nougat at Amanda Holden's head. I've just got to over-praise some contemporary dance first".

More solos now : First up is Bethany-Rose Lee being all floaty and balletic and lyrical to a Kelly Clarkson album track. NB : you can still see her boobs. She's still Bethany-Rose Lee. Of all the solos of the evening it's actually probably the best. I love that Bethany-Rose Lee is bringing it when there's absolutely no need to. At least she's going out on a high. She wanders over to Cat, and tells her that this competition has been a dream come true for her. Cat tries to make her say she really hopes she's in the final. As that kind of relies on that Bonnie Tyler routine having propelled Katie Love above Kirsty in the vote, which is not entirely likely and also nothing to do with her, she kind of shrugs it off all "yeah, that'd be nice".

Next up in the Solos Of The Damned is AndrogyLee, bringing some Beastie Boys ("Whatcha Want?") to So You Think You Can Dance? His leggings are Union Jack themed, his jacket looks like a third-tier Tekken character, and he is giving it edgy style and lots of leg, as per usual. There's a tiny little bit of a hip-hop feel and swagger to the whole number, which is nice given that we put a bullet in the last of our four hip-hop dancers last week. Cat pulls him over, and asks him to explain his leggings. AndrogyLee says that they represent him hopefully being Britain's Favourite Dancer, which he follows up with a little salute. Cat asks him what he'll take out of the experience, and he says that he's learnt so much, and also now got great big muscular arms. Cat tries to get him to play a game of "Which Way To The Beach?" with her. He has no clue what she's on about.

Final couple now, and if I thought Kirsty looked like a midget next to Cat...she's now stood next to Angry Luke. Yeah. Cat says this couple were really happy with the genre they pulled this week, until they got to rehearsals. Was it there that Kirsty discovered that the make-up for this routine was going to be so bad that it would make her look like a cross-eyed badger?

In their VT we are reminded that last week was also a Good Week for these two (apart from when Arlene decided to call out Kirsty's solo after every single routine, like, even the boys group number - "that was really sharp and masculine, MUCH BETTER THAN KIRSTY'S STOOPID SOLO!"). Afterwards both of them apparently retired to the show's Star Bar [otherwise known as the BBC Club Bar on the fifth floor of Television Centre - Steve, the former BBC employee], where Kirsty doled out lots more hugs, and Luke got drunk on pints. We don't see him outside afterwards throwing his shoes at the moon howling "WHY WAS I BORN SO POWERFUL I CAN'T HANDLE IT?!"

We're shown the formality of Kirsty "drawing" Luke out of the CatBox, even though both could only conceivably be paired with the other this week, and also drawing Broadway, which is really probably the best for both of them. Could you imagine them doing that Contemporary? Yeah, me either.

In training, they encounter Bill Deamer, of "Matt & Scally go to the seaside" fame, who says that their routine this week will be 1950s Prom themed, and have to bounce with a Charleston rhythm. Oh good. More Charleston. He says that the routine will be of the standard of that which he would give two professional theatre dancers. what Luke is, so...good? Everyone huffs and puffs and gets out of breath, and I'm mostly distracted by how stacked Kirsty is now. She is officially Muscly Old Deaf Foot-Phobic Face-Planting Kirsty now. WHAT A JOURNEY! [Seriously, the final numbers show that absolutely everyone in the top six ended up with a six-pack, so now I wish I'd entered this show. Because, erm, I'd totally have made the top six. - Steve] Kirsty tries to start a football fan-esque "WE'RE GOING TO THE FINAL!" chant. Angry Luke looks a bit sick. It's like him and Danielle Week One all over again, and we all know how that ended right? With SO MANY FEELINGS!

Out on stage and they're dancing to Varsity Drag from the god-awful 20's musical "Good News". I dare you to sit through the film version. It's a MARATHON. Awful. It's infamous for being set in the 20s and using 1940s styles. So obviously this version sees both Kirsty and Angry Luke dressed up like the 50s. The whole routine is very very very very very fast to begin with, then gets slower and less manic as it goes on. Either that or they just run out of puff. Luke is demonstrably more on top of things than Kirsty is, and she occasionally seems a bit disorientated but it's not as though she's particularly shaming herself, and by very design she's better at the whole "Joan Leslie On Uppers" vibe of the routine. I am a bit disappointed it doesn't end like Angry Luke's actual prom though - ie him getting a bucket of pig's blood dumped on his head and killing everyone via telekinesis. As they finish, Kirsty honks "I COULDN'T SEE!" at Angry Luke, and then Cat pulls her over and gets her to explain that she was having trouble because of all the masses of hair that were in her face throughout. It's not quite "I CAN'T HEAR WORDS!", but it'll do. Kirsty half cracks up, and half breaks down over this. It's quite a combo of FEELINGS. Obviously Luke is rubbing off on her.

Arlene starts for the judges (well, actually it's Sisco, but, you know, I'm never going to have to recap him again after next week, so why not start now?) by saying that Kirsty was soft and blunted and let Luke down in that routine. From somewhere off in irrelevance Sisco starts screaming until Nigel gets him to shut up. Louise follows by saying that that wasn't her favourite routine she's seen the pair of them do (I hope she means individually, rather than as a couple. Louise does seem a bit out of it this evening), but she hopes the people at home realise how difficult it is for TALL PEOPLE TO DANCE. Yes dear, I think Len Goodman has covered that more than accurately for the last few millennia of Strictly. She says that Kirsty was, as always, great at the characterisation, but she's not sure that was good enough to be in the final.

Nigel finishes by saying that he thought that was the weakest of the routines this evening, but also that Kirsty should probably feel glad she got this routine, because it was all about personality and she can't dance. Or words to that effect. I don't think "under the bus" adequately covers how quickly this thing has driven over Kirsty this week. It's more "under the Space Shuttle". Angry Luke is then praised for being tall, like Tommy Tune, and still being able to dance. I love that Nigel looks at Angry Luke and sees this.

More solos now : first up, Katie Love, dancing to Mary J Blige's version of "Stairway To Heaven", which sounds a bit like someone trying to play Eye Of The Tiger by memory alone after having only heard 5 seconds of it. It's very much a typical Katie Love solo in that I don't really care, and neither does she by the looks of it. Everything's very loose and thrown away and unfinished and limp, and it's all a bit meh. Katie Love is asked by Cat if the show has been harder than she anticipated. After a lot of huffing and puffing and talk of new lives and dreams coming true, and her body doing things she never thought it would do before (*eyebrow*), she says yes.

Final solo of the evening now (until Dance For Your Danger Bottom Zone Life), and Matt is tapping it out to Jason Mraz going "skibbity bibbity bop". [I really like this song, but I freely admit that the bit they use for his solo is probably the worst bit of it. - Steve] It's very moderny tap ie it involves a lot of falling down and jumping about and being jazzy. It's quite enjoyable, whatever, Nigel's enjoying himself. He also has apparently choreographed in a move from the god-awful movie Happy Feet as part of it. Happily not the hour long chase scene bit, or the bit where Robin Williams breaks out his best James Brown impersonation and diverts the plot up his backside. He's asked what his favourite moment was, and he says it was working with Mandy Moore. Amen.

Solos over, and Arlene is asked her opinion on the solos. Guess who she hates? It is Kirsty. Guess who she likes? It's both men what are masculine. She also gives props to Bethany-Rose for skimming across the floor. She deems Katie Love to be not a choreographer (ouch), and then says that AndrogyLee is weird and quirky and eccentric, and avoids talking about his dancing, as the show has done since the beginning. But hey, he's BIZARRE.

Now it's time for the group routines. So, you know how this evening has basically been an escalation of homosexuality, building up from Dirty Dancing and the French Riviera, through Bonnie Tyler and Lady Gaga, cresting on 1920s musicals and Rock Hudson and Doris Day comedies? Well the boys routine is the coitus and the girls routine is the cigarette afterwards. Get ready kids, this is about to get SUPER-GAY.

First up are the boys, and who better to choreograph this orgy of sexual tension than Katya Virshilas, the woman who got male-snogging on prime-time Strictly Come Dancing? [♥ Katya - Steve] She's thrown together a paso doble, with the help of Klaus. In training all three men talk about how much they want to be in the final, and how much they want to out-do and out-shine one another with their manly male masculinity. Katya affects to be terrified of all the testosterone flying around the room, although this is then nicely undercut with a shot of Luke falling on his bum and Matt gazing balefully up at him from nipple-height. MACHO!

Out to the stage now, where everyone's topless (well topless in trousers that come up to their nipples, and bathed in a bright orange glow. The Pirates Of The Caribbean Music strikes up, and BATTLE(/SEX) commences. Katya's actually choreographed this very well, as AndrogyLee takes a lot of the more sinuous creeping insinuating movements, Matt handles the impetuous, boyish, darting stuff, and Angry Luke, with the most muscular frame, handles the power and strength and drive. Also they all have their nips out and are grunting at one another. It's...quite a spectacle. There's memorial Strictly capework on show (which I think Luke wins, just via muscular structure, although Matt Flint gives it a good go) and then fire start shooting everywhere on the backdrop video screens, and it all goes backflip bonkers and yes, this routine is certainly FLAMING.

Standing Os everywhere, and Sisco starts barking like a dog on heat. Oh very dear. Arlene is asked her opinion, and she crows about their delicious Spanish lines. She loved their passion, she loved their grit, she loved their grace. AndrogyLee was fearless, Matt was feisty, but Angry Luke was Arlene's PRINCE OF PASSION! At this point Arlene stands up, and she's shot only from the ribs upwards. Whether this is because she wearing nothing from the waist down at this point I cannot confirm.

Nigel starts whiffling on about masculinity and strength and toughness and Billy Elliott and homophobic dads and yadda yadda yadda. I'm mostly taken up with the fact that, now MattFlint is no longer bathed in orange, how he still REALLY needs to have words with whoever did that horrific wax job on his chest last week, because the hair's growing back so sporadically it looks a bit...scrotumy. Cat asks us all to put our hands together for THE LADS. PHWOARRRRRRR!

Next up are the girls who, as per Cat, should apparently be used to wearing a skirt. As if that wasn't gender-stereotypical enough, after the men's routine all about competition and tesosterone and violence and thrusting passion, we're now getting a routine about friendship and beauty to "The Rose" set in the snow. Bless. Maybe they can all braid one another daisy-chains in their hair as a finale.

In rehearsal, we learn that the routine requires the girls to wear great big peasant dresses, which are apparently causing problems for Kirsty in particular, because she keeps treading on hers. Bored out of her skull, Mandy asks her why she auditioned for the show, and Kirsty replies that she really wanted to do the best dancing she could. Mandy Moore sighs in response that it'd be great if she could try and remember that during this routine. Worrabitch. Kirsty continues to struggle, and everyone tries their best to keep their laughter at her antics good-natured. Mandy Moore politics that all of the top three girls are quite...different from one another. Outside TV Centre, the three of them huddle together, and Katie Love explains to camera like they're like a garden - you have all these different flowers next to one another, like a tulip, and a rose and a...what's another one?

Bethany-Rose says "dandelion", and Kirsty says "daffodil". Katie Love looks baffled and goes "DANDELION?! Yeah, ok, daffodil" and everyone laughs and I've never liked Katie Love more. [Me neither - that was hilarious. - Steve] Anyway, these three flowers apparently will go together to make a beautiful and varied garden. For the purposes of this metaphor. Both Kirsty and Bethany-Rose coo that this makes a really good metaphor, although Bethany-Rose looks a bit put out that her dandelion suggestion didn't get picked, and Katie Love mugs all "yeah, yeah, that's it" like she knows how forced that metaphor she made is, but she doesn't care. I swear Katie Love and Bethany-Rose Lee just got more character development in those 10 seconds than they did in the entirety of the rest of the series.

Out to the stage now, in the middle of a BLIZZARD of fake snow, dancing to Bette Midler. It's contemporary, and Mandy Moore, so yeah, it's a lot of rolling around in white whilst overwrought ovaries hum in the background, but at least they're keeping off the floor for most of it. I actually think it's a really well-choreographed number, but Bethany-Rose I'd say is the only one completely hitting it. Kirsty I think is just emotionally exhausted from having Arlene on her back all evening, and Katie Love seems to be placed really oddly compared to other two a lot of the time. It's nice for Bethany-Rose that she's scudded the other two so thoroughly in this performance show, because it's always nice when people go out on a high. The routine ends with them plonked on the floor, in the middle of the snow, growing LIKE THE FLOWERS THAT THEY ARE.

It gets another standing Ovation, although we cut to Mandy giving an almighty "WTF?" face in the audience. Why, I cannot say. Nigel starts for the judges saying that was a really beautiful routine, danced by some really beautiful girls. At the start of the series he says he would have expected to see both Danielle and Scally in the final, because of Danielle's beauty and grace, and Scally's...personality (*cut to Scally in the audience trying to fit her entire fist in her mouth, later series Ralph Wiggumming it up til the bitter end*), but...well this is what we're left with, so so be it. Whoever the public pick, we'll have a truly beautiful finale next week. Kirsty showed that she COULD dance well technically, Katie Love was very beautiful and musical, and Bethany-Rose was just beyond. Arlene breaks in to say that Bethany-Rose has been truly phenomenal this evening. She never knew Bethany-Rose had it in her, but SHE DOES, JUST LIKE NIGEL TOLD ARLENE SHE DOES.

Nigel closes by saying that normally the aim of the judges is to get rid of the rubbish dancers, but that's not the case tonight, because whoever leaves is AMAZING AND WONDERFUL AND DID YOU HEAR THAT KIRSTY VOTERS PLEASE DON'T ANTI-JUDGE HER INTO THE FINAL WE DO LIKE HER HONEST.

Louise is asked if she enjoyed tonight, and she says that she did. She's going to have THE MOST DIFFICULT JOB EVER, MORE THAN BOMB DISPOSAL choosing who goes home tonight. She says it's really unpredictable what's going to happen next, as though a blind pug up a tree couldn't see that AndrogyLee is doomed, and Bethany-Rose Lee is relying on nobody noticing Arlene going Mean Girl on Kirsty again for the second week running.

Sisco says something about wanting to have sex with all the boy dancers in the middle of that paso doble. So over him.

Speaking of which, we're now getting a brief fillerific "let's visit each contestant's home town and prod yokels into saying they want them to win!". Bethany-Rose is, as usual, mostly supported by the animal kingdom of Devon and as they don't have opposable thumbs for dialling, she is mostly still screwed. People in Scarborough love Matt Flint, although I notice that none of them are foxtrotting yet. Not a single person in Worcester knows who Katie Love is, but some kid does drop a chicken. Luke is promised fish and chips in Melton Mowbray, and also some old woman trying to frot him. In the mythical kingdom of Banstead...people familiar with Kirsty exist, and finally, in Plymouth, two kids on a barge full of trash sail off screaming "WE LOVE YOU LEE B!".

Even by this show's standards that was an almighty waste of time wasn't it?

Lines are open, dances are recapped, and that is it. Join Steve up the page a little for the tragic dissolution of Team Raggy Dolls. *sniff*